James,
Stop sleeping with my roommates. I can hear you in there.
-Allie
Ellen, Did you know that you hit me in your sleep? Every single night? Don’t worry about it. I actually miss it when you’re gone.
-Matthew
To my ex:
After a few months of sleeping together, I started imagining your mom during sex. Sorry.
-Slim Jim
Dear Leia, If you’re reading this then you’re reading the Sheaf.
If you’re reading the Sheaf then you are reading my valentine. Another coincidence?
See you at the Olympics!
Love,
Han Solo
Steph,
I always liked your mom better than you; not in a sexual way, she just had great pie. Again, not in a sexual way.
-M
Johnny, oh Johnny, you were so very sweet,
The day you served me some delicious meat.
Working at The Keg,
without a name tag
I remember it on my own
Just a girl wanting to bone
I hope you remember me.
Your face is all I see.
-Anonymous
Dear So-and-So,
I will always treasure the time I spent watching you smoke weed and play video games with your friends. And that one time we watched Fight Club and then you deflowered me.
Sincerely,
Hope I never have to see you again
Hey Perogy,
“Love doesn’t make the world go round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.”
~Franklin P. Jones
Cheers, to many more happy years together!
-Cabbage Roll
Dear Smelland,
You smell. Your stench is reminiscent of skunk. My teenaged brother’s bedroom smells better after a weed-fuelled, video game sleepover. You are a walking Dutch oven.
-A concerned citizen.
e: i’m glad we’ve met.
-g
Dear roomie,
Do your fucking dishes!
-no more plates left
To my girlfriend,
You owe me some kisses.
Unless they are delivered within the next week, you can expect to find me back on the market.
I already have a profile on ChristianSingles.com.
-Napoleon
Dear PDFs,
Our Relationship is over. I now associate you with feelings of remorse.
-Luke the Duke
Dear Lover,
I wanna go all the way with you.
Love,
Babe
Brandon,
I could only ever stand you when you were giving me orgasms. I mean, it’s just a theory. I never actually got to test it.
-A.N.M
Dear Cindy,
Let me in your butt. Please.
-Merv the Perv
Dude,
You were the love of my life. And then you kissed me, and I realized you are kind of loud and have a weird laugh. Sorry it didn’t work out.
-I might have problems
Happy Valentine’s Day Audra! You’re my favourite female fictional mother!
-your son,
Monika
Jabba,
I’m sorry I had to kill your ass, but you put me in a metal bikini. That shit is not comfortable.
-L. Organa
To Professor Douglas Thorpe’s Beard:
You are so bushy, yet tidy;
So hip, yet dignified;
So audacious, yet humble.
From your ancient and mercurial depths, reveal to us the light and the truth.
Sincerely,
Cornelius
Dear Hipster Ken,
Just because you have a moustache, does not make you a man. You can’t blame your drug induced infidelity on her American Apparel leggings. Fuck you and your Animal Collective fanboy obsession.
-Roscoe
Ishmael,
We’ve been together for more than a year.
Thanks for proof-reading my essays, dear.
-Chantal
Dear Hotmail,
I dropped you like a sack of potatoes as soon as that hussy Gmail came along. I have no regrets.
-no longer ponyprincess87
Dear Maxine, You’re like a wool sweater — making me all hot and bothered.
-Greg
R: The only reason we were friends is because I wanted to do awful things to your body. Also, I don’t respect your intelligence.
-Anonymous
Dear yoga, I am sorry I missed you last night. let me make it up to you; I’ll show you my downward dog.
-Ashleigh.
Jessie,
If nothing else I’ll always have the records you left at my house.
Most of them suck, but they’re still a much nicer memento than the crabs.
-Stephen
Ashley Pearse,
Roses are Red, But you think they’re trite, You are my moon, You make the darkness bright.
Love,
Scott P. Hitchings
J: Did you ever notice that glazed-over look in my eyes? Yeah, that wasn’t infatuation, it was me waiting for the Hills to be over so we could fuck. Those were good times.
-M
Katie:
I’m sorry for jumping on that couch. Oh, and for being fucking crazy.
-Tom C
Adam,
I miss fighting with you. The way we would claw at each other in restaurants, rolling over tables and throwing vases at each other as we screamed. I wish the sex had been that good.
- Sam
Dear Jen,
You are my everything. Without you, I’d probably just masturbate a lot. And nobody wants that.
-OC
Dear Poophead,
You are kind of a poophead. Y’know the kind that smells of poop, and has a head made entirely of poop, and cheats on people? That would be you. Just pointing that out for you.
With love,
Your Beloved Ex
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