You, the sexy, smart, confident woman I’m trying to woo. Yes, you!

It’s been great talking to you tonight and I’m really impressed by your sense of humor and your intricate knowledge of Kosovo’s ethnic divisions. And the way you slammed that beer back earlier was simply amazing. I think you’re really cool and I would ask you to hang out some time or to add me on Facebook, but here’s another idea: just sleep with me. Please?

Forgive me if this sounds too forward, and I’ll gladly go through the whole flirting game where I need to run into you another three times and send you coy text messages for weeks before we finally get naked. But really, won’t we be saving each other a lot of time if we just have sex tonight?

Here’s the thing: I can’t even think about having sex with someone I don’t respect or admire in some way, so this isn’t me looking for a cheap lay. The fact that I’m interested in you means you’re awesome, so you can just throw away all fears you might have about being “slutty” — unless it’s in the sex-positive Dan Savage reclaiming-your-sexuality sort of “slutty,” which I totally support. You should be a total slut. With me. Tonight.

Of course, if this is making you uncomfortable in any way, I will stop and never bring it up again. Being a modern man means always being on guard for when I might be pressuring a woman into something she doesn’t want; no always means no, even a yes should be received skeptically, and I should accept that I’m probably a tequila shot away from committing date rape. University has taught me that within our patriarchal society, there will always be a power imbalance in male-female interactions and that my penis is a weapon.

So you see, I respect your boundaries, and I wouldn’t want to do anything that could jeopardize our future bone sessions. But as long as you understand all this, can’t we just have sex right now? And not just vanilla first-time sex either; we could have amazing kinky sex right off, the kind where you claw my back while I bite your neck and we put a couple fingers in each other’s butts.

You know, if you’re into that. This is, after all, a judgment-free zone. Because I’m a modern man, and being a modern man is hard, so please sleep with me.

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image: HBO Films