SAM SEXSMYTH
Valentine’s Cult Leader
For one issue only, famed sex and love advice guru Sam Sexsmyth returns to answer questions and berate students. (Name acronyms have been added by Sam for anonymity.)
Hey Sam, I’ve always struggled with buying Valentine’s Day presents. What is an appropriate gift, and how much should I spend?
Love,
Obviously Realistic About Love
Great question ORAL. Well, your first problem is that you’re worried about how much to spend; price should never be a condition if you really love the person — ahhh gotcha! Of course that’s a load of horseshit, just thought I’d start off with a little joke.
If you choose to buy something for that special someone, or those special someones for the polyamorous types, your gift needs to be thoughtful. Buying your lover red heart-candy, chocolates, long-stem roses or ribbed condoms for her pleasure just screams, “So, like, this is what the TV says you’d want, hyuk.”
Open your ears, dumbass. Listen to your lover and buy or do something appropriate. Is he plagued by type II diabetes? Well then, a few months’ supply of insulin shows you care about his survival. Does she come home from work complaining about her boss being a hard-ass? Simply give her a PowerPoint presentation documenting you slashing the boss’s tires and vandalizing her property; add a snappy soundtrack for replay value.
Hopefully this’ll give you some good ideas for getting your gift ready. If you don’t listen to your lover and are drawing a blank on the gift front, then just give ‘em a copy of my latest book, Stretching the Sticky Holes, a dark comedy about the tar sands.
I have a problem. I recently went through a messy break-up and with Valentine’s Day on the horizon I have the urge to go and hook up with someone, anyone, if it will take my mind off the loneliness. What should I do?
Love,
Feeling Like I Need Good Sex
I thought I might get a question like this nearing the one day when relationships are celebrated through loving and romantic acts. Listen up, FLINGS; most people will tell you that just because you aren’t in a relationship on this specific day, Feb. 14, that you shouldn’t feel bad about it, you will find love and you can celebrate it any day you want. They’ll tell you to pamper yourself, hang out with friends on that day and truly celebrate what you already have and cherish. But that’s not why you wrote to me, now is it? You want a crazy alternative.
FLINGS, tell me this: how many cats do you own? Triple the amount. If you don’t have any cats, get a few and then triple that number. If you are allergic to cats then simply get a few hundred robotic insects, triple the amount, and whittle away your days tinkering on them.
Lastly, I wouldn’t suggest going out there and hooking up to overcome loneliness because it sounds too depressing. Instead, hook up in order to find The One; it’s all about optics. If you need more info on how to hook up in style, check out my webinar series entitled, “Step, step, pivot, turn, step, pivot, fuck.” Best of luck, FLINGS.
My birthday is Nov. 14, a full nine months after Valentine’s Day. It grosses me out to think that my parents had sex on this day and it ruins the romance for me. Help!
Love,
Persistently Lamenting A Creational Existence Never To Arrive
Oh, well shit. Let’s all just deny reality for a second and feel safe in the lie that storks brought us down from the heavens in pretty basinets wrapped in silver lace and smelling like a fresh dewy morning. News flash, PLACENTA: your parents had sex, their parents had sex, their parents had sex, and so on all the way back to Jesus’ time before the robotic uprising but after the dinosaurs colonized France. (History is not my strong point, so forgive any tiny errors.)
Now where was I? Oh yeah, don’t be such a baby, PLACENTA. Orphans don’t even have the pleasure of picturing their parents having sex, how insensitive of you.
Okay, I’ve had a chance to calm down.
What kind of parody sex advice student columnist would I be if I didn’t help all those in need? Watch a few really filthy pornos, then some documentaries on childbirth, then finally Avatar in 3-D. This rollercoaster ride will showcase the extremes of human ugliness and beauty that will bring you to tears; this epiphany will break you of your childish fantasy. And if that doesn’t work, just download my latest musical lecture series entitled, “Bridge Over Troubled Amniotic Fluid,” a revolutionary exploration into the chaotic world of the banana slug.
Good day Sam,
My partner and I do not celebrate Valentine’s Day so that we don’t waste money buying into the whole corporate brainwashing of this pseudo-holiday. We are having a tough time convincing our friends to do the same. Got any tips?
Love,
Derail Our Unethical Corporations’ Heinous Endeavors ”“ Become A Green Society
Great question, DOUCHE-BAGS. I admire the heavily opinionated pressure you place on your friends: gutsy!
But heck, why stop there? Perhaps your friends would also benefit from a lecture on the unethical practice of eating meat and meat-fed meat. Maybe you could finish your shame-infused tirade on the subject of contraception and how your friends should only employ the rhythm method for that good ol’ 87 per cent accuracy rate. To be honest, that’s a made-up statistic, but it sounds about right.
Now I may not know much, but as a sex columnist with a PhD in global economics, in these tough times I say go ahead and stimulate that economy by purchasing a little something special for your lover. So long as you can afford it, go ahead! Just make sure to jot down all your purchases in case you need to tally up net earnings and gifts for a divorce lawyer. Remember, almost 87 per cent of marriage end in divorce.
Heavens to Mergatroid! I’ve completely forgotten to give you advice, and just when we’ve run out of time. For more helpful info on this topic check out my latest self-help series, How to use mirrors to make your junk look huge!, available only on VHS or floppy disk for your technological convenience.
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