Obama will bring on the Apocalypse

CHRISTOPHER CURTIS
The Link (Concordia University)

MONTREAL (CUP) ”“ Like most men of my generation, I live by a moral code rooted in the plots of ’80s and ’90s action movies.

I don’t trust shifty-eyed, ruggedly handsome foreign men. If something is ever about to blow up, I’ll dive away from the explosion after yelling “She’s gonna blow!”

And I usually have a witty barb handy for when I kill a bad guy or find a dead body “Surf’s up, bitch,” or “Looks like someone punched their last ticket.” I also have a loveable, wisecracking, street-smart sidekick.

So you shouldn’t be surprised when I tell you how afraid I am of a black president. It isn’t political and it’s not the usual “I’m not racist, but” argument. It’s the action movies.

When the president of the United States is black in an action movie, some bad shit is about to go down.
Remember Deep Impact? A meteor hits the Earth on President Morgan Freeman’s watch — which has nothing to do with his race, but isn’t an isolated case.

Another ’90s classic, The Fifth Element, doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in a black president either. President Tom Lister Jr.’s aggressive foreign policy almost gets Earth blown up by aliens, but luckily Bruce Willis has the presence of mind to save the world.

Danny Glover plays the president in Columbia Pictures’ recently released disaster film, 2012.
So basically, a black president is elected and the apocalypse is at hand before his first term is over.

The trend isn’t limited to action movies either. In Mike Judge’s Idiocracy, black president Terry “Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho” Crews presides over a future in which the country’s collective stupidity has turned America into a wasteland. Not even Luke Wilson’s “aw, shucks” charm can turn things around.

Right now, you’re probably thinking they should have elected Hillary Clinton instead of Obama. But guess what? There’s a woman president in the movie Blindness, in which the whole country goes blind except for Julianne Moore.

Not cool.

Movies aren’t reality, but life imitates art. Or is it the other way around? In any case, let’s just play it safe. Impeach Obama and replace him with a white male president like Bill Pullman in Independence Day. You’ll thank me when aliens try to invade our planet.