In defence of alcoholism

by on November 6, 2009 in Opinions

Beer
TANNARA YELLAND
Opinions Writer

I drink a lot.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “That’s a pretty subjective statement What exactly do you mean by a lot?” Well if you waited just a goddamn second, I was about to get to that before you interrupted.

I’m going to assume you know that when I say “drink” I mean alcohol. Booze. Hooch.

I am not one of those Johnny Know-Nothings who thinks getting drunk once a week is a lot. You know and I know that is bullshit. I mean a lot a lot.

A friend recently brought to my attention the fact that she thinks I may have a problem. I laughed it off and promptly got so drunk that I misplaced $20. In some cultures this is considered a necessary gift to the party gods so even though I could definitely have used it, I don’t begrudge them that money.

But do I drink too much? This is an important question and for those of you out there who drink as much as I do, it’s one you should ask yourself from time to time, if only to recall past fun times and say, “Fuck no!”

First of all, there are certain days drinking is accepted — nay, demanded. Fridays and Saturdays are pretty standard because they are the weekend, duh. Next.

Then, we have Mondays and Tuesdays. Shit is going down and anyone who’s anyone knows they better be there. I am looking at you, Dollar Beer. Last week I got drunk on Thursday as well. It’s just nice to veg out with a few social drinks sometimes instead of making it a big production, you know?

So, do I drink too much? No goddamn way. Life is shitty; everyone knows this. And I don’t even mean it sucks in the “my parents were murdered for being the wrong religion and I was raped and I have nothing to eat and oh no look I got shot for walking to school” way.

I just mean, you know, life sucks. You got a bad grade on your paper, none of your friends like your new boyfriend and you burnt your forehead trying to curl your hair. Life is a big fucking ball of ass and everyone is just scared to admit it.

Life is a big fucking ball of ass and everyone is just scared to admit it.

However, this does not mean I’m advocating totally giving up and getting hammered constantly. Life is also really fun, but you never get to experience that if you throw in the towel. What I am trying to say is, who cares if you want to drink your face off three or four times a week? Go ahead, do it. Get drunk, dance around like a maniac, kiss that guy you just met, totally forget right after. Then do it all again next week. You’re young and life is good when it isn’t bad; fuck the haters.

It is also a well-known fact that alcohol and drugs enhance your creativity. Well, okay, that probably isn’t true. But it definitely is true that it helps your art in other ways. What would you be doing if you were constantly sober? Going to movies and studying at the library. Wow, can’t wait to read a book about that — not.

While it won’t give you new creative superpowers, getting fucked up means that some seriously crazy shit is bound to happen and it can then become fodder for your writing or music or whatever. I call bullshit on all those parents who tell their depressed, drug-addled teens that drugs and booze won’t help them turn into a crazy but awesome artist.

Now that I look back on this, I realize that everyone who has read it is probably convinced that I am an alcoholic. This was counter-productive. Well, guess what? I have a job and I go to school and I have my shit together. I pay my rent on time, my nose isn’t pink from drinking too much gin like Winston in 1984, and I don’t drink alone. Usually. So fuck off, all you Negative Nancies who can’t handle me having fun.

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photo: Robby Davis


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  • http://www.soberrecovery.ca Holly Culp

    This girl makes me sad.

  • Amanda

    I have mixed feelings about this article. Are you trying to mock people who don’t take alcoholism seriously? People who worry about other people’s drinking? Alcoholics?

    I think this piece exposes some of the funny reasoning students who abuse alcohol use to rationalize what they’re doing. However, it almost seems to make a joke of alcoholism.

    Since quitting liquor and trying to get my life back together, it has become painfully obvious how central booze is to college life. It has also become obvious how ignorant people can be regarding addictions and mental illnesses and other things you can’t tell a person has by looking at them. I used to feel out of place as an atheist in a religious city and as queer in heteronormative society, but that’s nothing next to the casual jokes I constantly hear about alcoholism from the mouths of people who seem to assume that there can’t be “one of those” in the room. Why should it be a joke, and why should there be any more stigma for not being able to hold liquor than there is for not being able to eat peanuts due to an allergy or not being able to tolerate flourescent lights due to epilepsy?

    And most perpexing of all: why do people who abuse alcohol brag about it like it’s some kind of accomplishment (all you gotta do is swallow), while people who stop abusing alcohol join “anonymous” groups because they feel like they should be ashamed? That seems completely backwards to me.

    Anyway, thank you for getting me thinking about this.

  • Emily

    Here here. That was very well said Amanda.

    Is this article trying to say that if you don’t drink you don’t have a life? You can’t have fun unless you drink? I strongly disagree, it just takes more courage to have fun without drinking. Why? Because in order to goof off and do silly stuff you need to get over being self-conscious and afraid of looking like a fool. So my final question is… If you drink and look like a fool, or don’t drink and look like a fool, what’s the difference really? Is it that when you drink you have the perfect excuse for looking like a fool? Yet… if you’re not afraid of looking silly, you don’t look nearly as silly as you do when you are worried about it.

    Just some thoughts.

  • http://Ithink Isaac

    I think this article was clearly written with some degree of irony. Let’s all calm down.

  • Greg

    I think what she’s saying is that getting drunk is pretty fun. I definitely agree with the comments that not getting drunk is also good, and maybe undervalued by some, but I think Tannara’s article is more of a funny romp through boozin’ it up.
    That’s a pretty interesting point about the alcoholics anonymous. However, there are definitely different kinds of alcoholism; some forms are pretty nasty and some people probably like a bit of anonymity within their support network.
    I think this article isn’t about actual alcoholism, as much as drinking — a lot.
    Perhaps a misleading headline is to blame here.